if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
