Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
