Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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