What a fucking waste of an outfit
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
