put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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