LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
