my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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