I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
