I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
