NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm passing your future prison.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
