The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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