I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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