I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
