I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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