I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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