Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
