I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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