got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am naked and annoyed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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