I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
