You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
