True but thats because hes a fetus.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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