i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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