i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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