My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
