she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
