I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Randomize
