once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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