My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
