i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
