so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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