just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
