The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
