I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
