Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
