you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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