theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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