A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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