My sheets look like a crime scene.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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