I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
