He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
