i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
