Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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