Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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