All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
