I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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