phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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