i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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