Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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