You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
