Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
