There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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