One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
