I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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