She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
