so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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