spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize