I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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