and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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