I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize