I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
