im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
