I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
