your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
