part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
