Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
